A Complimentary Newsletter From Mark Chan, Ph.D.
29 Ways to Keep
Your Relationship Tuned Up
By Mark Chan, Ph.D.
Why do
some relationships last forever and others fall
apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner
feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship
from becoming a casualty.
1. Treat your partner as you would your boss,
best friend, or best customer.
2. Think about what your partner wants and give
it to him or her.
3. Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be
thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted
to win your partner over.
4. Pay attention to your appearance. Dress
nicely; get into shape.
5. Express your thoughts carefully. Being married
doesn’t give anyone permission to let it all hang
out.
6. Spend regular time together alone.
7. Look for ways to compliment your partner.
8. Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels
good and it makes people feel loved.
9. Learn and practice communication skills.
Relating successfully to another person requires a
set of skills that can be learned.
10. Be polite. Just because you are married doesn’t
mean you can forget your manners.
11. When you want something, say please.
12. When your partner does something for you, say
thank you.
13. When your partner comes home after a day at
work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how
her day went.
14. When your partner leaves for work in the
morning, say goodbye and “I love you” or “Have a
good day.”
15. When your partner faces a challenge at work
during the day, ask how it went when you get home.
16. During your evening meal together, avoid the
temptation to watch television or read the paper or
mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.
17. If you want to make plans that affect how your
partner will be spending time, check with him first
and make sure it’s convenient.
18. When you ask your partner a question, make eye
contact and listen to the answer.
19. When you disagree with something your partner
says, pay attention to your response. Do you express
your opinion without putting her down? You can
express your opinion assertively rather than
aggressively. For example, you can say, “I have
another opinion. I think we should wait until spring
to have the walls painted,” rather than, “That’s
silly! We should wait until spring.”
20. Pay attention to how much of your side of the
conversation is asking questions versus making
statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask
more questions.
21. Ask open-ended questions to encourage your
partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions
begin like this:
a. Tell me about...
b. What do you think of...
c. What was it like when...
22. Have you become passive with your partner
because that’s the easiest way to avoid conflict?
Over time, this is not a good idea. You will
inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment
because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts,
and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive
behavior too often, think about discussing it with
your partner and asking him to help you be more
assertive.
23. Researchers have found that people whose
marriages last the longest have learned to separate
from their families of origin (their own parents and
siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries.
They value and honor their own privacy and
separateness as a couple. This means they have
regular, appropriate contact with their extended
family, but that it is not excessive or stifling.
How do you compare?
24. Check your communication with your partner and
beware of using “You” messages. These are statements
that begin with you. For example:
You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.
You shouldn’t do that.
You should call me from the office and tell me when
you’ll be home.
Here is what you ought to do.
“You” messages are damaging because they make the
other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like
you are talking down to him or her.
25. If you want to demonstrate to your partner that
you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with
“I” messages instead. When you start your statement
with “I,” you are taking responsibility for the
statement. It is less blameful and less negative
than the “you” message.
You can use this formula: Your feelings
+ Describe
the behavior +
Effect on you. This is how an “I” message sounds:
When I heard that you’d planned a weekend up north,
I was confused about why you hadn’t asked me first,
so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes
some practice and you have to stop and think about
what you are going to say, but your marriage
deserves to be handled with care.
26. Make a list of your partner’s positive
qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you
think each is true.
27. Ask your partner to do the same for you.
28. Respect each other’s private space. Over time,
many couples let this slide.
29. As the years pass, many couples begin to feel
like they are living in the same house, but have
parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places.
What is the trend in your relationship and what do
you want to do about it?
